A Letter to a Good Bishop

Below, I've recreated a letter I sent to my excellent bishop in the aftermath of the church's decision to make gay marriage grounds for apostasy. I share this as the starting point of this story, as the moment an my faith began to splinter. I'll describe the ongoing process that followed this moment in a post later this week.

Identifying information has, of course, been redacted. 

______________________________________________________________________________

November 11, 2015

Dear Bishop ________,

In preparation for our appointment and receiving your counsel, I wanted to write down my thoughts and struggles that stem from the recent policy changes in the church handbook. While many aspects of this change are not new for the church, the increased clarity of the church’s direction has helped me clarify my own beliefs and stance. Because of this newly clarified belief, I am not sure if you will want me to continue serving as the Young Men’s organization president. But to begin that conversation, I thought it would be useful for you to understand where I currently stand, so to speak.

Let me begin by saying I believe and follow the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is beautiful. It is expansive, and it has healed my heart and soul countless times. Despite the difficult doctrinal questions I’ve had throughout my life, the inspiring and magnificent theology restored through the prophet Joseph Smith has held powerful sway over my life. However, these policy changes do not reflect the Gospel of Jesus Christ I know and love.

In the unlikely case you are unaware of these changes, they are two-fold:

1.      Same-gender couples that marry or co-habitate must face church discipline and be classified as apostates.

2.      The children of same-gender couples may not be blessed, baptized, receive the Aaronic Priesthood or be recommended for missionary service until they reach the age of 18 and:

·         Disavow the same-gender relationship.

·         No longer live in the household of the same-gender couple.

·         Receive authorization from the First Presidency to be baptized (admitted to the church).

I will begin with my objections to the second of the two. The policy to create significant barriers to church activity for the children of same-gender couples bewilders me. I believe it is the antithesis of what Christ taught and that it undermines the universal urgency of his Gospel. I have wrestled with this specific change for a week now. It has consumed my thoughts since I learned of it. I have spent much time in study, contemplation, and prayer on it, and I have come to the conclusion that it is not consistent with Christ’s teachings and, therefore, must originate from men. I cannot support it and I do not wish to  give any appearance of my acceptance of it. I see this change as a well-intentioned but ultimately harmful policy based on tradition rather than revelation.

I know of many good LDS men who served faithful missions, attempted to follow the counsel of their leaders to suppress their homosexual feelings, pray to overcome them, marry an unsuspecting woman, start a family and after years of marriage realize they could no longer suppress their true sexual identity. Their families are separated by divorce. These men find they no longer have a place within our Church and are, in effect, exiled. After their exile, they meet someone of the same gender, move in and/or get married. Their children live with both parents due to split custody agreements. This policy adversely affects these children in a very real and tangible way. They will not be able to participate in any of the milestones that are expected in our church: baptism, temple attendance, Aaronic Priesthood participation and advancement, or a mission. When they turn 18, they must disavow a parent’s relationship, state they don’t approve of same-gender marriage, and not live with the homosexual parent.

My father is one of these men. He and my mother divorced during my teenage years for many reasons, but chief among them was that fact that my father is gay and had struggled for years to understand how to deal with that fact within the LDS church and his very conservative family. He came out to me several years after my mission, but I was aware of his sexual orientation prior to entering the MTC. If a few things had gone differently in the eternal scheme, my summers with my father would have led to me being one of the children barred from the Aaronic priesthood and required to disavow my father’s sexual orientation as a prerequisite for the missionary service I rendered. Apart from my doubt that I could have comfortably disavowed an aspect of my father’s God-given identity, I would not have been active in seminary or church meetings without the strong connections to the church generated through “normal” membership. As it was, I struggled sometimes to actively participate in our community, though good leaders and a focus on priesthood responsibility saw me through the already significant barriers of difference that existed because I was both a child of divorce and had much less economic advantage than my peers in the ward. Without thorough gospel preparation and community connection, I would not have served a mission, would never have attended BYU, would not have met and married my incredible wife in the temple, and would not have experienced so many things, from my brilliant daughters to my employment as a visiting professor at BYU, that give such depth and happiness to my life. My life is immeasurably blessed by the gospel, and my experience with the gospel is tightly bound to its influence on me as a youth.

In short, this policy would have damaged my life and spiritual development. It is not difficult for me to imagine it doing the same to many other children, both inside and outside the church.

Now, for the first policy change. My belief about same-sex marriage is contrary to this change. I am not opposed to same-sex marriage; in fact, I fervently support it. I have read comments from Elder D. Todd Christofferson that state I can so believe and still remain a member of the church in good standing. However, it seems clear to me that acting in support of those beliefs now formally constitutes support of apostasy. I am not a member of any specific organization (besides the Democratic Party) that supports this belief, but I may join one. If anyone asks me about my stance, I have and will explain I don’t oppose it.

Further, I will not teach others that same-sex marriage is a sin. I don’t believe that it is (I realize this is contrary to currently accepted church doctrine). However, I firmly believe in the Law of Chastity. I believe that all members of the Church should obey this law. I simply believe that our LGBT brothers and sisters should have a path that allows them to obey this law without being accused of apostasy and subjected to church discipline.

I believe that homosexuality is not a choice (in most situations). I believe people are born with a sexual identity that can’t be altered (not by counseling, fasting, prayer, scripture study, or Priesthood blessings). I have read and listened to the stories of too many faithful members who are gay to believe that it was their choice. I believe that God made them gay, and I believe it is a positive and affirmative part of his plan of salvation, not an inherent trial (though our society has certainly excelled in making it one). I believe that by denying LGBT members the opportunity to marry and remain in good standing, we ask them to deny the full measure of their creation. I don’t believe it is fair (or comes from God) to ask someone who is gay to live a life of celibacy and loneliness in order to comply with the current doctrine taught by our church. I don’t believe that homosexuality is anything like polygamy. And I don’t believe that LGBT couples or their children’s presence in our community would alter other members’ sexuality to entice them towards same-gender marriages.

I don’t believe the church’s stance against homosexuality is based on anything more than tradition and fear. Here, too, I have spent a great deal of time in study, prayer, and reflection. I have studied scriptures both ancient and modern that are thought to concern homosexuality. I find no condemnation nor reasoning behind labeling homosexuality a sin. It is not mentioned in the scriptures of the Restoration. References in the Bible are either nuanced, mistranslated, or traditionally misinterpreted. Modern counsel gives no justification for the ban besides vague explanations that the practice opposes the plan of salvation without ever explaining how in any terms that escape circular reasoning. In contrast, there are multiple passages in the scriptures meant for our dispensation that unequivocally condemn the practice of polygamy and give clear reasoning behind this condemnation (along with the few that explain its purpose among the early saints).

Thus, with no real scriptural basis I can find, and drawing upon a strong belief wrought of long and painful study, I believe the official doctrine that labels homosexuality as inherently sinful (and as a result, "same-gender" marriages as similarly sinful) is, like the policy described above, contrary to Christ’s teachings and, therefore, also from men. I believe these teachings are inflicting great harm upon our LGBT members, their families, and the church as a whole.

I look forward to further discussing my feelings and beliefs with you. I also look forward to your counsel in how I can move forward in the church.

I know that my position as a Young Men’s organization president comes with significant responsibilities, from setting an example for the young men with my own life to the practical and spiritual instruction I’m asked to provide in Sunday meetings, mutual, and scouting activities. I also know that my beliefs may be objectionable to families of some of the boys.

For this reason, I wanted to be completely transparent about my beliefs and give you all the information you need to minister to our ward. I feel that my beliefs correspond with the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I am not naïve enough to think they would not be objectionable to many in our ward. And I do not want to sow chaos in our ward by virtue of my position in it. I seek a path that allows me to both have a clear conscience and continue working alongside my brothers and sisters in the Lord’s vineyard.

Whether I continue in my calling or not, know that I will continue in my active membership in the church I believe in until the day I die or the day (which I hope never comes) when I am asked to leave.

With love,

 (Me)

_____________________________________________________________________________

So there you have it. I should point out that church leadership later clarified its policy to apply only to children who live the majority of their time with parents in a same-sex marriage. While that means my young self would not have been as directly affected by the policy, my objections still stand. Just because I wouldn't be cast off from the church doesn't diminish my distaste for the idea as a whole.