Interim Post: A Few Sincere Questions

Below you'll find an email conversation between me and a new friend from church. Here's some background. After the First Presidency of the LDS church released its statement on its continued stance against same-sex marriage (as well as its continuing commitment to fight for basically all other civil rights and compassion for LGBT individuals), I wrestled with how to teach this message to the youth. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the letter and the ensuing Sunday discussions occurred during a month with the instructional theme "Marriage and Family." After talking with the young men I teach about how they might teach their friends and people in their future mission fields about the subject, I received the following email.

I share this because I think it is a wonderful example of how dialogue between members of the church about troubling issues should work. There are so many bad examples out there, I thought it might be nice to read some positive disagreement.

I'm sure I've made errors of judgment and fact in the exchange, and you're welcome to critique them. But this is the raw, uncut dialogue. I think the realness is part of the lesson. 

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Subject: A Few Sincere Questions

Dave,

I very much appreciated both your testimony and your lesson today.  The controlled environment of role playing allowed our priests to see what kind of situations they might come across, and a glimpse of how hard some conversations can be (you took it pretty easy on them, and it was still a struggle!).

Having seen your posts on Facebook regarding gay marriage, I didn't know how you would handle the topic in a Priests Quorum setting, and I was actually surprised that you chose to bring it up again this week.

In your testimony you mentioned that you've had a number of friends leave the Church in recent years (due, no doubt, to issues like these), and that you've had to work through your thoughts and feelings to the point where you've chosen to stay (and I am so happy that you have).  I've had a similar experience.  I too have had friends leave the Church, and my soul has squirmed more than a few times during the political/moral upheaval of the past few years.  I've had to examine my own perspectives on homosexuality, feminism, etc.  While I can't say that I advocate for gay marriage, I am certainly an advocate of dialogue, understanding, and compassion.  From what I see on Facebook, you lean in favor of gay marriage, [despite?] your testimony of prophets and the truthfulness of the gospel they preach.  Before I go any further, please, please, please, know that I am not judging or criticizing you.  I admire you, and it has already been a joy to work with you.  I simply want to understand where you're coming from.  So, I've got a few sincere questions I've been meaning to ask you:

1. What are your honest beliefs and feelings about homosexuality/gay marriage?

2. If you support gay marriage, and/or are okay with homosexuality, how do you reconcile that with what the leadership of the Church has declared in response to recent events?

3. What has your introspective process been like as you've tried to navigate these ideas/doctrines/issues?

I don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you to the fringe.  I'm not accusing you of heresy by any means!  I (and likely many other members) have been going through a similar period of searching and introspection, and I mourn for so many who have chosen to step away from a Church and a Gospel that has blessed them so much during their years of activity.  And yet, I have a handful of friends who, like you (I think), have maintained a pro-gay marriage stance while remaining devout, active, contributing members of the Church.  I just want to understand that mentality :)

It would mean a lot if you could respond.  I'm totally down to talk about it in person, or if you'd prefer to e-mail back that's cool too.  You're the man.

Thanks,

X

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Hi X,

Thanks for the email. I'll try to do your questions justice in writing. But I'm happy to continue the dialogue in person should clarification prove necessary. This is certainly more than you bargained for:

1. What are your honest beliefs and feelings about homosexuality/gay marriage?

I think we got so hung up on the idea of "marriage" being a religious icon that we forgot that we're also a country that values equality under the law. People don't get special or worse treatment because of who they are. If there are certain statutes about marriage (i.e. the only two I know of are age of consent and monogamy) they should apply whether two men or two women or a man and a woman wish to avail themselves of them. Tradition, not law, prevented gay marriage, and the attempts to retroactively retool the wording of laws and statutes struck me as typically mean-spirited and politically expedient for base demagogues. Problem was, they got everyone to buy in. 

If nothing else, the state has a duty to ensure that there are incentives for individuals who love each other to build a home together and a community with their neighbors. As a believer in marriage, I think marriage provides the stable foundation necessary for a community to flourish, and rewriting laws in ways that push a significant minority of our brothers and sisters to the unseen margins contributes, more than anything else, to damaging behaviors. In fact, I believe it is the stigma against LGBTQ individuals that contributes more than anything else to the immorality and riskiness that so many label "the gay lifestyle."

There is nothing inherently risky or immoral about homosexuality. Rather, when we push it into the shadows, we give the adversary an opportunity to twist sexuality into something immoral and dangerous. That holds true for the entire spectrum of sexualities. Thus, in a sense, I believe traditional (if we want to use that term) society and morality is responsible for the occasional perversion (i.e. child abuse) and health concerns (i.e. HIV) that the same traditional community uses to condemn homosexuality outright. Of course child abuse is evil. But it is not, as so many have fallaciously claimed, endemic or causal to homosexuality. Nor is the spread of HIV the fault of gay men. It is the result of unChristlike judgment and hatred. 

As for homosexuality itself, I believe it is usually not a person's choice (though of course, in some cases, it is), but rather an innate sense of what gender they are attracted to, both romantically and physically. I cannot explain why I'm attracted to my wife. I don't presume to provide alternate explanations of why a man is attracted to men or a woman to women or both to both. 

On a larger scale, history and biology make a pretty clear case that homosexuality has always been a part of not only human society, but also occurs regularly across species that reproduce sexually. Thus I find the explanation that homosexuality is inherently sinful to really be an indictment of God's plan of salvation. Why would he give some individuals same sex attraction and not others? Within the current doctrine of the church, there does not seem to be a way for LGBTQ individuals to exist in a loving, monogamous relationship. I'm troubled by that. We seem to be dooming some of our brothers and sisters to a lonely existence on this earth simply because God made them a certain way. That bothers me enough to believe that we're missing something in our understanding of God's plan.

2. If you support gay marriage, and/or are okay with homosexuality, how do you reconcile that with what the leadership of the Church has declared in response to recent events?

To put it bluntly, I think the leadership is sometimes wrong, especially on this issue. I believe that, like the priesthood ban, either an older generation of church leaders aren't prepared to receive further explanatory revelation on the subject or that, as a church body, we're unable to receive that truth. The progress of generations will bring that light and knowledge eventually, correcting one or both of those obstacles as needed. I don't find that testimony-breaking. Rather, I find it to coincide with everything I've ever learned about prophets. But I also don't think I'm completely right. I have no doubt that my explanatory framework above smacks of imperfect reasoning and assumptions. So, in the absence of further light and knowledge about the plan of salvation, I'm content to follow the prophet while still perhaps disagreeing with him on this topic. For me, that dissonance actually gives more meaning to the sustaining vote I give him 4 times a year.

Of course, I don't preach my views from the pulpit if they contradict current prophetic teachings. I do, as appropriate, try to humbly correct falsehoods about homosexuality that migrate from old or bad social science into the mouths of fellow members. But more importantly, I exercise my agency and the great gift of personal revelation to put general authorities' statements about homosexuality to the test. I typically find kernels of truth in them, but I also find things that don't feel right or correct. Encouragingly, I have also seen the leaders of the Church slowly correct false conceptions about homosexuality. For example, the Church reversed its position on the provenance of homosexuality several years ago. They now counsel church leaders like bishops that, in most cases, homosexuality isn't a choice and can't be "healed." That's a significant change from just 10 years ago. It can be maddeningly slow, but I believe the church is moving in the right direction. I pray for my leaders and I pray for the humility to follow them. As an example, I'm contemplating posting my responses to your questions on my blog. I (probably pridefully) think that our exchange might benefit others. But if our stake president asked me to take it down, I would. Why?

For me, the good that many can do outweighs the good I could do as an unprophetic voice of change. Thus, I believe more good can be attained by faithfully and actively serving in the church than can be attained by cutting myself off from it out of self-righteous pride, even if that pride comes from being right. Thus, I find the choice that some make to leave the church for reasons of conscience to be lazy and self-serving. They sacrifice the difficulty of serving in the Lord's hospital for the ease of a self-satisfied conscience. That may seem harsh, and it shouldn't detract from the good work many former members of the church do in the community to correct abuses of power and crimes committed by others in our community. Nor does it intimate that I, somehow, am more righteous or courageous than they are. But in terms of this particular choice, that's the stark realization I've come to. I believe, with a little humility, they could find ways to be an incredible asset to the church and still perform many of the vital actions they perform outside of church membership (helping victims of polygamy, child abuse, unrighteous dominion, etc.). And that opinion is absolutely a judgment, but it's a judgment I had to perform. I had to decide whether to follow them or not, so judgment was 100% on the agenda.

So for me, it comes down to a question: Would I rather be smugly right and detached from God's mouthpiece or often uncomfortably "right" (and even sometimes silenced) but attached to him. My testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, the divine nature of Joseph Smith's calling, and the reality of the atonement of Jesus Christ (and its whole purpose!) have lead me to stay. 

3. What has your introspective process been like as you've tried to navigate these ideas/doctrines/issues?

 A constant battle between pride and humility. Between stomach-churning unease/anger and soul-restoring revelation. Like I told the priests on Sunday. When you are talking with investigators (or class members, home teaching families, your own children, etc.), testify of what you know 100%. That will bring the Spirit. And once you have that companionship, then you can begin to explore the practicalities of living in a world full of gray spaces. 

Perhaps that's the best place to end. Gray spaces. Undergirding all of this, I believe our loving Heavenly Father sets us up to flounder in gray spaces like this. Spaces where we have only shadows of scripture and prophetic insight to guide us. It is in these places that I believe some of the most important tests of mortality take place. Why? Because the Lord wants to see how we navigate the cognitive dissonance of obedience and individual conscience. Of tradition and compassion. Of pride and humility. Of dogma and flexibility. It is in the gray areas that we show him that we are thinking before we act (or not thinking, as the case may be). Most importantly, when we have gray spaces, the areas that bother us, that cause unease and dissonance in our souls, there will without fail follow a moment that tests our ability to rely on Him. For me, teaching the priests about how to teach others about the Church's stance on same-sex marriage was one of those tests. I had to balance all of my inner contradictions and rely on Heavenly Father to guide me as to what to say to those young men on this subject in that moment. I hope the results were helpful. I don't presume to think they were spiritually breathtaking. But the process of preparation for yesterday's lesson was spiritually uplifting for me, at the very least. And one more sliver of Heavenly Father's plan was revealed to me as a result. So, sliver by sliver, I rejoice in the gray areas of the gospel and the chance to demonstrate to my Savior that I am thinking, breathing, struggling, (but still following) disciple. 

So there you go. If you don't object, I'd like to post our exchange (anonymized) on my blog. Of course, anyone that wants to do too much research would quickly piece together that there are only so many people who work with the priests in our ward. So if you aren't comfortable with that level of anonymity, I'll just post my answers to your questions. 

I think it would be a good interlude to a longer discussion I'm working on in that space. Thanks for the opportunity to articulate my thoughts and, by so doing, clarify them. 

All the best,

Dave

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Dave,

Thanks for that beautifully articulated response.  Seriously, I appreciate it.  I have no objections whatsoever to your posting this in your blog!  I don't care if you use my name either.  It's just a decent conversation about something that matters.  I thought you might enjoy the time and space to respond in text, although in-person conversations are great.  Sometimes it helps to formulate thoughts better when you can read over them and word them well.

I think you're absolutely right that many assertions regarding homosexuality are steeped in tradition and culture rather than truth or even just good research.  And those assertions are often propagated by discomfort, or even a xenophobic hatred.  That's pretty human.  Or should I say, that's very characteristic of the natural man.  I think our growth and development as a society and as God's family is reflective of our individual repentance.  We tend to be slow, and to struggle in the micro scale, so it only makes sense that macro-repentance would take a long time.

And as you mentioned, I know that we don't have all the puzzle pieces to see the entirety of God's plan, or the truths and laws that allow it to function.  Living by faith is tough sometimes.  Navigating these issues the past few years has been a roller coaster for me.  For a while I had to stop reading all the articles online because the conflict and contention coming from both sides just left me feeling sick.  I generally don't read op-eds anymore for that reason.  They tend to fan the flames of the ideological war, leaving supporters even more self-assured and detractors even more disgusted.  That's why I much prefer to have conversations like this, with people like you who can step back from passion and zeal, and let the Spirit guide a more reasonable, compassionate dialogue.

I don't think my gut feelings are the same as yours when it comes to the leadership being wrong on this point.  I fully agree that prophets and apostles are fallible men, and the scriptures are rife with examples.  Joseph Smith was chastised all throughout the Doctrine & Covenants, and there's plenty more that wasn't included.  From Adam to the present they've all been imperfect, even while serving in those prophetic roles.  It fills me with awe and hope to know that the Lord is willing to work with such weak and flawed individuals, but then again, we are all his family.  It's hard to think of people that way if they're not part of our earthly family, but they really are our siblings.  We're really jerks to our brothers and sisters sometimes.  Anyway, you said that you find it hard to believe that God would make some individuals with the tendency toward homosexuality and then deny them the possibility of a monogamous relationship.  I've thought about that too, and it does indeed seem a cruel fate.  There are also many who are unable to marry because they simply aren't attractive enough, whether by looks, personality, or disability.
 
The same question can be asked of people in their situation.  Why would God relegate them to a life of loneliness while so many others are able to enjoy intimate, loving relationships?  In their case, it's not even a matter of societal opposition to their partnerships; they haven't even been able to secure the affections of a partner.  Did God tailor that trial to them individually?  Did God hand pick those who would have to work through homosexual tendencies?  I don't know.  I guess the broader question we might ponder is how much does God tinker with our individual genetics before sending us into the test of life?  Or does he at all?  Are our trials crafted by design?  Are some, but not all?  My inclination is that homosexuality is one of many possible struggles that a human may have to deal with during his or her time on Earth.  It's rough for those who choose to live by the prophets' counsel, but I truly think it will be worth it for them in the end, just as it will be worth it for me to remain faithful to my wife.

 Those are my thoughts anyway, and I certainly don't proclaim them as doctrine.

Perhaps the most moving portion of your response, for me, was your explanation of how and why you remain an active member, and how meaningful your sustaining vote is.  I loved your discussion of personal revelation, and I think it's a vastly under-used tool.  I wish more of us members would take those things seriously.  I know I need to work on that.  I completely echo your sentiments about those who leave the Church.  We are losing some good, strong people who could be such a blessing to the rest of the membership because of their perspective.  I know it can be frustrating and wearisome to work alongside members who maintain conflicting ideas and beliefs on topics as sensitive as this, especially if they are disagreeable in their disagreement.  And at the same time, those who leave are missing out on that same fellowship and community, let alone the blessings that come from covenant keeping.  Your explanation leads me to admire you even more for your willingness to move past your inner battles so you can continue to pitch in to the work of the Lord.  We need you, and I know our ward is better for your diligent service.  And I, for one, appreciate being able to talk with someone about this sort of thing on an intellectual and spiritual level.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond, and feel free to include this in your blog.  See you on Thursday!

X

Scriptural Gem: The Power of Friends

I know, I know. I've been incredibly remiss in my blogging. I've left a chapter of The Road to Middoni halfway completed. Shameful behavior.

This is likely the busiest I have been in a long, long time, and I apologize for not keeping up with this project. I'm hoping to slowly begin posting more, and to get back in the full swing of things by the beginning of winter. Think of it like a Christmas present!

In the meantime, I thought I'd share something I hadn't noticed before about the intercessory prayer found in John 17.

I'll be honest that I've often read this chapter with my mind glazed-over. The nuanced and convoluted language of the King James translation sends me packing for the easy interpretations of official manuals and sound bite scripture masteries.

But, seeking some peace and focus in my morning, I opened randomly to John. To push past the mind glazing, I read the chapter outloud to myself in my office. And I had the remarkable good fortune to learn about friendship.

The intercessory prayer's chronology is difficult to pin down. John takes us straight from this prayer to Christ's betrayal and arrest, so I've always read it as an intimate glimpse into Gethsemane, a more complex background to the more well-known "let this cup pass, but thy will be done" narrative.

With my self-imposed chronology, I read the chapter looking to gain insight into the Savior's path to Atonement. What ultimately brought him to make the ultimate sacrifice? What drove him to suffer for all humankind?

In verses 16 and 17, Christ talks about his disciples, aware of the difficulties they will face the rest of their lives: "They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth." He pleads with his Father to strengthen and sanctify them. It clear that his love for them is not ordinary. Christ loves everyone, but he has a special sort of love for the men and women who have listened to him, followed him, and tried to build new lives by becoming like him. They have experienced trials together, they have argued together, and they have forgiven each other. They are more than disciples; they are fast friends.

And then, in verse 19, we get this: "And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth." In the moments before his expiatory agony, Christ reveals that, when it comes down to it, he's doing this for them. No doubt his Atonement will have universal impact and bless countless people. I think Christ is quite cognizant of those facts. He likely understood them better at that moment than I do now. But in the end, his lonely walk, his final prayers, his fearful agony are all embraced because he knows he is saving his friends.

This idea inspires and moves me to tears. That a perfect man, a perfect God, could look for and receive strength from the passel of good-natured, humble, sincere, bumbling, prideful, simple, and loyal group of fishermen, publicans, and sinners.

I have always had the strange struggle of feeling much closer to Heavenly Father than I do to Jesus Christ. I'm not sure why. Perhaps the conceptual framework of a father-son relationship and the constant prayers in his direction was easier for me to build upon.

But it's verses like these, verses that show the depth of love and humanity possessed by the Savior, that inspire me to try and follow him. To, perhaps, become one of those friends who brings the Savior joy and comfort. Just like he has always brought such joy and comfort to me.